The Vodka Spasm

HAPPY 10^th BIRTHDAY MY DARLING ANGEL

So, today was my birthday.  And yes, I turned 31.  But I'm only a few weeks younger than Dan's wife Jenny, so I don't feel too old.  I'm putting this entry behind a cut, because it's very long, I'm on a few different "Friend's Lists" and not everyone has awesome bandwidth.  So here goes...

( My Birthday Day )

So, I was having a thought, about Jesus.  Wasn't He just so cool?  Growing up and working in the hotter parts of the world, I daresay that He'd have wondered about our sanity had we approached Him and declared, "Hey, Man!  You're so cool!"  It's a guarantee, though, that He'd have smiled and accepted the compliment graciously, as was His way.

Anyway, I digress.  Yes He was/is pretty awesome, and not just because of the miracles He performed.  Not just because of the things promised to us, or because He's soon to be our King in the New World as well as in Heaven...

That wonderful, beautiful, handsome man (and who here doesn't believe that Jesus was and is probably the most fanciable man that ever existed? - apologies to Brad Pitt fans); That man knew what was gonna happen to Him.  He knew and He was scared; He cried and prayed in the garden of Gethsemane, asking at first for God to make it so that he didn't have to die such a brutal, torturous and painful death.  But when it came to the crunch, did He run away?  Did He hide?  Did He do as was being suggested to Him and use His God-given "powers" to prove or save Himself?  No, He did not!  He took the kind of beatings, torture and death that I would defy anyone living today to be able to handle even a tenth of!

And why did He do this?!  You may well ask.  He did it because he knew it must be done, for the sake of cleansing humanity of our sins.  He did it for the forgiveness of your sins...

"But he was pierced for our
transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace
was upon him,
and by his woulds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all."  (Isaiah 53:5-6  NIV)

Jesus took the punishment that we should have had, so that we wouldn't have to!  He took it for us...  We hear the phrase a lot, don't we?  "He died for us" etc.  But I wonder how many people are left today who fully realise the meaning behind that statement...  He died in our place.  He substituted Himself and went through bloody torture (which itself damn near killed Him), and He died on that cross in our place so that we (humanity) wouldn't have to suffer such punishment.  He took it all.  Can any one of us say honestly that we would do the same, or even have it within us to be able to do that same?

So my final thought is that Jesus is not just our Brother and King, deserving of our love and loyalty on those two points alone, but that he was and still is the very best friend that any human being could ever ask for.  If for no other reason, that should make us want to do anything and everything in our power to please Him, cheer Him up, socialise with Him, and constantly refresh our friendship/relationship with Him to keep it strong (while still, of course, acknowledging that He is also our King, as stated).

Would we do anything less for our human friendships?

Why do you need Jesus in your life?

Jesus loves you! He desires to have a relationship with you and to give a life full of joy and purpose.

• REASON 1:  YOU HAVE A PAST.  You can't go back but He can.  The Bible says, 'Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, and today, and forever.' (Hebrews 13:8).  He can walk into those places of sin and failure, wipe the slate clean and give you a new beginning.


• REASON 2:  YOU NEED A FRIEND.  Jesus knows the worst about you, yet He believes the best.  Why?  Because He sees you not as you are but as you will be when He gets through with you.  What a friend!


• REASON 3:  HE HOLDS THE FUTURE.  Who else are you going to trust?  In His hands you are safe and secure; today, tomorrow and for eternity.  His Word says, 'For I know the plans I have for you, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  In those days when you pray I will listen' (Jeremiah 29:11-13).

---

If you would like to begin a personal relationship with Jesus today, please pray a prayer something like this:

Lord Jesus Christ, I am sorry for the things I have done wrong in my life.  I ask for forgiveness and now turn from everything which I know is wrong.  Thank you for dying on the cross for me to set me free from my sins.  Please come into my life and fill me with your Holy Spirit and be with me forever.  Thank you Lord Jesus.

Amen

I have brownies, a natural source of sugar and happiness.

'nuff said :)

If I talk about it, lean on my friends and get mad about it, then I'll be accused of attention-seeking, making a mountain out of a molehill, being melodramatic, sounding like a broken record, and over-stating the severity of the situation making out that it's worse than it really is.  All this is, of course, assuming that it isn't decided (behind my back) that I'm probably making it all up simply because another friend has it or something with similar symptoms.  That's what my so-called friends (or three in particular) believe...  From what I'm told.

If I stay silent about it, then as the symptoms get worse (and they will get worse) it will be assumed that I'm simply acting up, being weird and going a bit OTT, because "nothing can be wrong otherwise surely Steph would have told us".  The longer I stay silent, the more likely I am to be accused of making it up as I go along when I do finally say something.

I can't win.

I have been diagnosed as having Myxœdema Coma (the name is something of a misnomer as an actual comatose state is extremely rare), which is brought about by accute Primary Hypothyroidism.  In basic terms, without proper treatment it's a fucking death sentence (that's the part that most of my friends will definitely believe is some kind of exaggeration) with the following "fun" symptoms that I am experiencing: puffiness around the eyes; slow speech; mental dullness; lethargy; mental problems; dry itchy skin; weight gain; constipation; hearing impairment; fatigue; cold intolerance - increased sensitivity to cold; muscle cramps & joint pain; impaired memory; impaired cognitive function - 'Brain Fog' (another one they'll believe is copied from another friend who suffers brain fog) - & inattentiveness; a slow heart rate - 'Bradycardia'; sluggish reflexes; anxiety/panic attacks; shortness of breath; increased need for sleep; irritability & mood instability; G.E.R.D.; unexplained crying; inability to remain asleep; distended/bloated abdomen; poor kidney function and resulting internal pain; apathy; and decreased libido amongst many others that thankfully I'm not yet experiencing and hopefully won't, with treatment.  The treatment that I will have to now be on for the rest of my life in order to remain alive is Levothyroxine  L-T₄.

Ok, so I have the means to stay alive, but even doing that doesn't stop my problems.  After treatment for the Myxœdema Coma has taken effect, the long-term Hypothyroidism that led to it means that I am now facing a life of continued shortness of breath, continued bradycardia (both making even the smallest activity increasingly exhausting) and the fun one that my friends really don't yet seem to understand/appreciate the severity and terror of...  A subcortical version of Early Onset Dementia ("early onset" meaning simply normal - if there is such a thing - dementia in someone under 65yrs)!!  Seriously, that's my life from now on, and I'm already showing the early signs of the dementia!  Can you even imagine how fucking terrifying that is, on top of not being able to talk to the group you thought were your friends because you have been presented with very damning evidence that they will in fact nod along but amongst themselves will talk about you behind your back discussing how you are over-reacting or trying to get attention etc. etc. et fucking cetera!!

So my choice is death, or life without a mind.  I tell my friends and get called an attention seeker, or I say nothing til the situation is obvious and have no help and/or support.  Which would you choose?  Honestly!

Thank our Lord God that I have Kate, Amy and Sophie in my life.

You are a kindred spirit always trying to make things just a little better for everyone.  Your charitable personality, determined attitude, and calm, innocent aura totally charm everyone around you!  Many people see you as a leader, and therefore look to you for help. But whatever it is they need, whether it's and extra pair of hands, some helpful advice, or a shoulder to cry on, your friends know that they can always count on you.

My Dæmon...

You are a talkative, open kind of person.  You wear your heart on your sleeve, and you trust people not to break it.  In a way, you are as honest and trusting as a child.  You aren't always comfortable with who you are but you do have a strong sense of self and you are also a little sensitive.  Hurtful remarks, especially from people whose opinion you value, have the power to wound you terribly.

You tend to be open about your thoughts and opinions, and you find it difficult to hide your emotions from people.  You like to share your thoughts, opinions, and emotions with people, and to hear theirs in return.  When someone disagrees with you or offends you, you will take them up on it, whether they are friends or strangers.  You don't mind a friendly debate, but become upset when things get hostile.  You wish that people wouldn't take everything so personally, but would instead simply think calmly about things.

You have a close knit group of friends for whom you would sacrifice almost anything.  You don't like big parties full of strangers - you would rather spend your time with the people whom you really care about.  You need a private spot where you can retreat when the world gets to be too much, but you want to be able to emerge from your "den" and find your loved ones there to heap love and affection upon you.

Your Dæmon, the dhole, represents your loving, open nature, and he would probably spend a lot of time encouraging you to be independent and to do the right thing.

To find out what your Dæmon is, click here.
When you know your Dæmon, if you can't think of a name for it yourself, click here to generate one.

I'm going to put the main part of this post behind a cut for the simple reason that I know that many people have unfriendly bandwidths, and I don't wanna cause anyone's computer to hang.  So if you're ok with YouTube embeds, then by all means take a gander...

( Vid this way... )

Toodle pip for now folks.

X-POSTED TO openlbgt

I feel trapped.  Trapped in a body that's not just the wrong physical sex, but doesn't work properly any way and is quite literally falling apart.  But even more than that, I feel trapped inside a strange mind.  Can anyone, I wonder, begin to fathom the complexities, the nuances, the myriad confusing & conflicting thoughts, the trillions of storms constantly raging inside my mind?  Can anyone begin to know or even try to get what it's like to know consciously that you're insane, to be fully aware of yourself, but to be trapped inside a broken mind that you cannot control?  It's difficult to describe; it's like I'm sane and insane at the same time!  That alone causes me stress, confusion that I am unable - despite every true effort - to cope with with, emotional instability and fluctuations that I cannot predict, that have no trigger.

I can be fully aware that my actions, words, the things I see, smell or hear are 99% of the time abnormal.  They are out of the ordinary, not of the norm...  Not real some of the time.  I am conscious of these things, and yet I am unable to stop them, control them, and don't even think about a cure.  Schizotypal Personality Disorder has no cure.  I was born with it (yeah, thanks mum!!) and I will die with it.  I am insane; crazy; nuts; abnormal; eccentric; easily stressed; easily pushed to self-harm and/or suicide attempts, and unpredictably swing between mania depression to the same end(s); easily confused; I have delusional thoughts where I will believe that something society might consider "fantastical" or simply fantasy, is in fact real; I don't understand simply things to the point to sometimes violent (but never to a living person or animal etc.) physical displays of frustration; my emotions fluctuate rapidly and erratically; my thoughts are paranoid, violent, abnormally sexual, confusing, sometimes not my own; I am...

...

A hiddeous thing!

I think the video behind the following cut also fairly accurately describes part of who and what I am.  I say part, because it would take more than this brief journal entry to put everything in my head down coherently enough for anyone to "get it"; it would take the memory capacity of a supercomputer and a vastly more articulate than me telepath to help me find the words.

( Warning: The video has a 30 second advert at the start! )

Thank you for letting me ramble, letting my mind spill out just a little onto these pages.

X-POSTED TO cuttersselfharm, schizofriends & schizosurvival

I'm calling out to anyone who might come across my journal, or the communities that I'm posting this request to.

A friend of mine, Justine, who is on loan to us from Uganda and has been doing amazing work for and within the church, has recently received news that following an accident her brother and sister are in hospital (back in her home country).

Justine is a wonderful wonderful person with an amazing heart.  She loves and worships God & Jesus so openly and beautifully and completely, and has devoted her life to serving our Lord.  She isn't returning to Uganda until the middle of August, but is obviously now torn between doing God's work for the church, and rushing back to her family.

I am including her and her family in my own prayers, and I humbly ask any and all Christians out there to join me in asking the Lord for his blessing at this time, and that He might help Justine through this difficult emotional time and that if it be His will, that he help her siblings to get well so that Justine can return to her family whole and happy in August.

We are all God's children, and therefore all part of His family.  Let's show our sister Justine, and her siblings, that she is not alone.

My thanks and love to you all, and thanks to anyone who offers support and prayers.

X-POSTED TO christianhelp, christianity, & ljchristians

At last I actually have some good news:

First and foremost, I'm seeing a legal advisor as well as my housing/homelessness advisor today at 2:00pm and we hope to be able to move things forward very rapidly from here on.  Fingers crossed, say a prayer for me, and watch this space.

Regarding all that trouble I was having with bailiffs, and several different people all telling me that I owed differing amounts of money for the same thing, and how the local council's left hand did not seem to know what it's right hand was doing etc:  I've been able to push through the stress and panic of that entire situation, I have not self-harmed, and I have actually got all relevent documents together and with a covering letter written to the council demanding an explanation of their disgusting behaviour to date and an apology.  Wow - long sentence.

Hopefully I'll get some response.  Even if it's a total arse-head replying to me saying that I still have to pay etc. at least that'll show that someone has at last paid attention.

A Pastor for the local Catholic church has been working with me lately, and has offered to help with last-minute packing and storing of my stuff until I have permanent housing again.  But more than that, he's been helping me explore what I have come to believe is in fact a job that God has given me to do.  A message He wants me to pass on to the rest of the world, via a new ministry.  So, with Pastor Dan's help...

And this is my biggest and best news ever, so far...

I am now a Christian Minister.  Not Catholic though, just to clarify.  For the work I have to do, I'm remaining non-denomination-specific.  But yes, I am now considered a Minister.

I don't know what else to say on the matter right now, and I'm running out of time to catch the bus to the meeting I mentioned, but the more I explore my new "job", the more guidance I get from God, the more people I meet and speak to in the various local congregations, the happier I feel.  I haven't wanted to self harm at all for weeks now.  Even Lauren has said that even over the phone she can tell how happy I am, and how much I'm buzzing with a new-found energy and enthusiasm.

Right I really do have to run, but I'll be back soon with more details.  Feel free to comment with any questions you might have.

Bye for now.

 

Well I did just write a marathon entry, but now it seems to have vanished because of a fucking network error...  So now I am PISSED OFF BEYOND BELIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If she was my Mate, oh boy could I go into some detail here...  Alas, she has yet to break up with her current Mate and say yes to me...

But I'm hopeful.

Set fire to the furniture instead!!

I am nothing like Phillipa...

I am, however, I have come to realise tonight, like my father.

And of that, I am truly, deeply, ashamed.