The Vodka Spasm

My Cat Shadow + New Laser Pointer = Dizzy Fun...

2010-01-30T10:34:12Z

Fruity Oaty Bar... 'nuff said!

2009-12-09T17:33:25Z

Happy Birthday...

2009-11-06T00:19:15Z

HAPPY 10^th BIRTHDAY MY DARLING ANGEL

Though I've not seen you in nearly five years...
Even if I never see you again...

You are always in my thoughts, forever in my heart,
and I will never stop loving you.

Have a wonderful day my Angel.

With all my love forever,
Mummy xxxxxxx

Kissed By A Primate...

2009-11-03T20:03:17Z

So, today was my birthday. And yes, I turned 31. But I'm only a few weeks younger than Dan's wife Jenny, so I don't feel too old. I'm putting this entry behind a cut, because it's very long, I'm on a few different "Friend's Lists" and not everyone has awesome bandwidth. So here goes...

I'd told everyone to treat the day just like any other Tuesday, as I did not want a huge fuss made. Whilst this part of my wishes was agreed to, I'm glad that I was in some small way ignored by Dan. To clarify, Sunday evening just gone (25/10/09) after giving Kate and I a lift home from church, Dan discovered that it would be my birthday today and so offered to fill the morning (because he and I both had appointments in this afternoon) with what he referred to as a "mystery tour".

So 9:30am Dan was at the door (yeah, I know, me awake and dressed at that time of the morning - mark the day with big bold letters on the calender, especially as I was planning to stay in bed hiding from the world for the entire day). As Kate and I got into the car I was absolutely delighted to see that Clare was joining us too. I was also very pleasantly surprised to see that Dan had arranged on a fold down tray in the middle of the back seats two small orange beakers for Kate and I should we want to partake of the water he'd provided, as well as a card from him & Jenny, a card from Clare and a present from Clare as well (a booklet containing inspiring quotes from Scripture; one for every day in December leading up to and beyond Christmas, into the new year). He'd also placed on the tray a punnet of white seedless grapes because, bless him, he remembered me mentioning to him some time ago that my favourite fruit is grapes (both white and red).

We had no idea where this "mystery tour" would be to and Dan wouldn't let on. After much discussion about Stoke on Trent and the fact that it now takes about 3 hours to traverse it (road works and building sites) instead of the 10 minutes it used to take we finally turned into a driveway with a big sign at the front. Kate turned to me and asked "Did I read that sign right?" to which I replied "If you read 'Twycross Zoo' then yes."

Dan had taken us to Twycross Zoo! How fucking awesome is that - pardon my language. He even paid for the £11.00 per adult for Kate and I to get in. We lubs him mega-a-lot.

I'm glad I'd opted out of dressing up nice for the day, deciding instead to dress in comfy jeans, walking boots (as opposed to my Converse which are falling apart) and a new bung thingy for the foot of my walking stick.

First up were the Gibbons [Photo Link]. Not much to say about them apart from the fact that together they sound like those electronic games huts that you find at fair grounds (you know, where the 2p slot machine often are), and that their noise could be heard all the way on the far side of the zoo.

On our way over to the Orangutan enclosure we passed by the resident Leopard, which we thought was asleep or at least cosying inside somewhere due to the cold damp weather, but as we passed one of the windows, there he was. I can't begin to describe how stunningly beautiful he was. Here's a [Photo Link], but it really doesn't do it justice. Painful though it was, I knelt down so that I was face to face with the Leopard, with just a piece of glass between us. He looked at me like I was lunch, and licked his lips. Mostly though, and here's the thing that very nearly pushed me to tears, I felt sad looking at him. Sad that he was captive like this, for other people's entertainment. But I supposed, in retrospect, that he's probably safer and better looked after at the zoo than he would be in his "natural" habitat. And the zoo does work to educate people about the animals that reside there so as to avoid further endangerment to the various species.

And so on we went to the Orangutan enclosure, there a young'n was carefully avoiding the big daddy - we guessed so as to protect the bit of fruit in it's hand. The big daddy himself was sitting about looking thoroughly bored out of his huge skull. We found the mother inside the "Orangutan House" (a small hut attached to the enclosure so you can see them inside as well as out). There she was; the female named Kibriah [Photo Link] who took quite a shine to me. Like with the Leopard, I crouched down as best I could so as not to seem to her like I was looming. I pressed my forehead to the glass and bless her she started stroking the glass as if trying to stroke my face and hair. Then she did something quite unexpected, but very flattering; she started kissing the glass. So, naturally, I reciprocated. Probably the most unique thing I can say for years to come that I experienced on my 31st birthday; being kissed by Kibriah, the adult female Orangutan at Twycross Zoo (ignoring the glass - it was flattering, I'm obviously attractive to primates, which actually might explain some of my ex-boyfriends over the years, lol). Seriously, it was lovely. Had there been an attendant nearby, I would have asked it were possible to meet her without the glass and give her a hug (it is now my new ambition - at least once before I die - to hug an Orangutan (adult, baby, male, female, I don't care).

Next we briefly passed by the Giraffes [Photo Link] but they started to drool and dribble all over Clare so we moved on to...

Meerkats :-D "Simples!" They were so adorable, and almost every child around the walled "pen" (for want of a better word) was trying to coax them into speaking, like the animated Meerkats on the well-known advert. Following are four links to photos that you might find amusing, as Kate decided that they should be fed her glove, lol: [Photo Link 1] - [Photo Link 2] - [Photo Link 3] - [Photo Link 4]

Next up was my favourite bit, with my favourite animal; Penguins [Photo Link]. I love Penguins for many reasons that would take too long to go into now, but suffice it to say that their sense of family is so special to me. As we approached there was one particular young chap (a Penguin) at the back of the enclosure, away from the others. We thought that maybe he was either lost, or on guard - though I had never heard of such a security guard behaviour in general Penguin life. Minutes later and we discovered what he was up to. As soon as he saw one of the keepers approach he hobbled down to the back gate to wait. It was feeding time, and this particular li'l fella was smart enough to sneak away from the other Penguins in order to get the first lot of fish. What a truly awesome dude, to figure out where the keeper comes into the enclosure, and to recognise when the optimum time would be to sneak away to greet the keeper and get first dibs on lunchies. I think I fell in love. After having a handful of fish for himself, he then followed at the keeper's heal round to the main part of the enclosure where his friends were, at which point every Penguin went nuts, barking for food (I can't think of any other word that fits the sound they make). Listening to the attendant on a loudspeaker educating us about Penguins, I found out that the Penguins with yellow plumage on their heads - one of which was the clever dude - were in fact called Macaroni Penguins [Photo Link], named from the sang about Yankee Doodle Dandy sticking a feather in his cap and (for reasons we may never know - one of life's eternal mysteries) calling it macaroni (which from my perspective is more often associated with pasta). So I have decided to adopt a Penguin from Twycross Zoo. From now on, not only are Penguins my favourite animal in general (I have my faves of specific species), but my ultimate favourite of all Penguins, is the cleverest Penguin I have ever seen; the Macaroni Penguin that I have summarily nicknamed Doodle (from Yankee Doodle Dandy) from Twycross Zoo.

Awesome.

The Chimpanzees were fun. The baby refused to look at us, the mummy laughed at Clare when she smacked her head on the glass, and the daddy grinned like a Cheshire Cat and mimicked Clare's lip-pursing before then holding his hand out as if demanding payment for entertaining us, lol. After the brief stay there we moved on to see various other animals of note. I actually came face-to-face with an actual Dhole, actually (lol)! [Photo Link] Oh he was beautiful. Again, I nearly cried.

There was a Bat-Eared Fox, a Camel big enough to squash me with his toe, and then there was probably Kate's favourite, the Pygmy Marmoset [Photo Link] that Kate wanted to bring home with her. I did actually pad her down at one point to make sure that none of the small animals had miraculously found their way into any of her pockets. Apart from the Apacas, Kate wanted on of every single animal we saw.

Briefly saw the elephants, with their new baby who was not small enough to fit into Kate's pocket though I'm certain she'd have tried, lol. We moved on from there when the male started urinating, making Kate feel a little queezy. We went on into what the zoo calls "The Wetland", with various exotic birds, and an example of how people in some parts of the world makes their homes in areas like this. There was a waterfall at one point, and Kate decided she just had to test the temperature... With her head [Hilarious Photo Link].

In Pets Corner, Kate very nearly tried take away a baby Guinea Pig, but bless her she changed her mind when I told her the cost of keeping it would come out of her pocket, lol.

By this point time was getting on and I still had to be at Work Direction in the city by 2:00pm, so we had a quick look round the gift shop, and then made our way back to the car. I was in almost excruciating pain, but I didn't care. It was a truly wonderful birthday present from Dan.

All the way back we sang along to Dan's CD of show tunes from various musicals, most of which I knew by heart or at least recognised, and all of which I could name the shows from which they came. Kate was ever so impressed... Right, she was too busy singing along, herself, to care about what show the song was from. Anyway, the absolutely wonderful first hald of my birthday was drawn to a close as Dan dropped me right outside the building I needed to be at, exactly on time.

I couldn't have asked for a better start to the day.

After my appointment we met up with Jenni - with an I - (a friend, not to be mistaken for Jenny - with a Y - the wife of Dan) who had bought me a black forest gateau as the birthday cake she was insisting I should have. After grabbing some food in town, we headed back to mine, where Jenni presented the cake with candles reading "Don't Ask", which I thought was awesome. At this point I also had Sophie on loudspeaker on my phone so she could join in the rendition of "Happy Birthday" that Jenni and Kate wanted to sing. It was lovely to hear from her.

From Jenni I got pink rosary beads, a 5-disc set of gospel music that I'd wanted for ages, and a t-shirt reading (I apologise for the bad language) "AK-47 - for when you absolutely, positively have to kill every motherfucker in the room!".

From Kate I got the 2010 Star Wars Annual, the 2010 Doctor Who Annual, and a squishy Darth Vader Plushie that makes his famous breathing sound when you squeeze his tummy.

It's now late in the evening, I am close to screaming from pain, my pain killers haven't kicked in yet, and today has completely wiped me out. Tomorrow, if I can move at all, it will probably only be to use the bathroom, with Kate's help. But oh, it was well worth it for the experience.

My prayers and thanks go out to Dan, Clare, Jenny, Jenni, Kate, and all those who have emailed or texted me to say happy birthday. Thank you all for ignoring me and not treating the day like any other Tuesday. May God's blessings be with you all, and all those friends I have online - you know who you are.

And now I must say good night, because my brain fog is also rapidly closing in - the last paragraph took half an hour to write. So I'm off.

I love you all.

Steph xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

So, I had a thought...

2009-10-03T18:10:20Z

So, I was having a thought, about Jesus. Wasn't He just so cool? Growing up and working in the hotter parts of the world, I daresay that He'd have wondered about our sanity had we approached Him and declared, "Hey, Man! You're so cool!" It's a guarantee, though, that He'd have smiled and accepted the compliment graciously, as was His way.

Anyway, I digress. Yes He was/is pretty awesome, and not just because of the miracles He performed. Not just because of the things promised to us, or because He's soon to be our King in the New World as well as in Heaven...

That wonderful, beautiful, handsome man (and who here doesn't believe that Jesus was and is probably the most fanciable man that ever existed? - apologies to Brad Pitt fans); That man knew what was gonna happen to Him. He knew and He was scared; He cried and prayed in the garden of Gethsemane, asking at first for God to make it so that he didn't have to die such a brutal, torturous and painful death. But when it came to the crunch, did He run away? Did He hide? Did He do as was being suggested to Him and use His God-given "powers" to prove or save Himself? No, He did not! He took the kind of beatings, torture and death that I would defy anyone living today to be able to handle even a tenth of!

And why did He do this?! You may well ask. He did it because he knew it must be done, for the sake of cleansing humanity of our sins. He did it for the forgiveness of your sins...

"But he was pierced for our
transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace
was upon him,
and by his woulds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all." (Isaiah 53:5-6 NIV)

Jesus took the punishment that we should have had, so that we wouldn't have to! He took it for us... We hear the phrase a lot, don't we? "He died for us" etc. But I wonder how many people are left today who fully realise the meaning behind that statement... He died in our place. He substituted Himself and went through bloody torture (which itself damn near killed Him), and He died on that cross in our place so that we (humanity) wouldn't have to suffer such punishment. He took it all. Can any one of us say honestly that we would do the same, or even have it within us to be able to do that same?

So my final thought is that Jesus is not just our Brother and King, deserving of our love and loyalty on those two points alone, but that he was and still is the very best friend that any human being could ever ask for. If for no other reason, that should make us want to do anything and everything in our power to please Him, cheer Him up, socialise with Him, and constantly refresh our friendship/relationship with Him to keep it strong (while still, of course, acknowledging that He is also our King, as stated).

Would we do anything less for our human friendships?

Why do you need Jesus in your life?

2009-09-17T20:09:24Z

Why do you need Jesus in your life?

Jesus loves you! He desires to have a relationship with you and to give a life full of joy and purpose.

REASON 1: YOU HAVE A PAST. You can't go back but He can. The Bible says, 'Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, and today, and forever.' (Hebrews 13:8). He can walk into those places of sin and failure, wipe the slate clean and give you a new beginning.

REASON 2: YOU NEED A FRIEND. Jesus knows the worst about you, yet He believes the best. Why? Because He sees you not as you are but as you will be when He gets through with you. What a friend!

REASON 3: HE HOLDS THE FUTURE. Who else are you going to trust? In His hands you are safe and secure; today, tomorrow and for eternity. His Word says, 'For I know the plans I have for you, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray I will listen' (Jeremiah 29:11-13).

If you would like to begin a personal relationship with Jesus today, please pray a prayer something like this:

Lord Jesus Christ, I am sorry for the things I have done wrong in my life. I ask for forgiveness and now turn from everything which I know is wrong. Thank you for dying on the cross for me to set me free from my sins. Please come into my life and fill me with your Holy Spirit and be with me forever. Thank you Lord Jesus.

Amen

Mmmmmmmmmm...

2009-09-15T13:51:39Z

I have brownies, a natural source of sugar and happiness.

'nuff said :)

The Double Bind Theory...

2009-09-02T19:59:40Z

If I talk about it, lean on my friends and get mad about it, then I'll be accused of attention-seeking, making a mountain out of a molehill, being melodramatic, sounding like a broken record, and over-stating the severity of the situation making out that it's worse than it really is. All this is, of course, assuming that it isn't decided (behind my back) that I'm probably making it all up simply because another friend has it or something with similar symptoms. That's what my so-called friends (or three in particular) believe... From what I'm told.

If I stay silent about it, then as the symptoms get worse (and they will get worse) it will be assumed that I'm simply acting up, being weird and going a bit OTT, because "nothing can be wrong otherwise surely Steph would have told us". The longer I stay silent, the more likely I am to be accused of making it up as I go along when I do finally say something.

I can't win.

I have been diagnosed as having Myxœdema Coma (the name is something of a misnomer as an actual comatose state is extremely rare), which is brought about by accute Primary Hypothyroidism. In basic terms, without proper treatment it's a fucking death sentence (that's the part that most of my friends will definitely believe is some kind of exaggeration) with the following "fun" symptoms that I am experiencing: puffiness around the eyes; slow speech; mental dullness; lethargy; mental problems; dry itchy skin; weight gain; constipation; hearing impairment; fatigue; cold intolerance - increased sensitivity to cold; muscle cramps & joint pain; impaired memory; impaired cognitive function - 'Brain Fog' (another one they'll believe is copied from another friend who suffers brain fog) - & inattentiveness; a slow heart rate - 'Bradycardia'; sluggish reflexes; anxiety/panic attacks; shortness of breath; increased need for sleep; irritability & mood instability; G.E.R.D.; unexplained crying; inability to remain asleep; distended/bloated abdomen; poor kidney function and resulting internal pain; apathy; and decreased libido amongst many others that thankfully I'm not yet experiencing and hopefully won't, with treatment. The treatment that I will have to now be on for the rest of my life in order to remain alive is Levothyroxine L-T₄.

Ok, so I have the means to stay alive, but even doing that doesn't stop my problems. After treatment for the Myxœdema Coma has taken effect, the long-term Hypothyroidism that led to it means that I am now facing a life of continued shortness of breath, continued bradycardia (both making even the smallest activity increasingly exhausting) and the fun one that my friends really don't yet seem to understand/appreciate the severity and terror of... A subcortical version of Early Onset Dementia ("early onset" meaning simply normal - if there is such a thing - dementia in someone under 65yrs)!! Seriously, that's my life from now on, and I'm already showing the early signs of the dementia! Can you even imagine how fucking terrifying that is, on top of not being able to talk to the group you thought were your friends because you have been presented with very damning evidence that they will in fact nod along but amongst themselves will talk about you behind your back discussing how you are over-reacting or trying to get attention etc. etc. et fucking cetera!!

So my choice is death, or life without a mind. I tell my friends and get called an attention seeker, or I say nothing til the situation is obvious and have no help and/or support. Which would you choose? Honestly!

Thank our Lord God that I have Kate, Amy and Sophie in my life.

Which Anime Heroine Are You?

2009-08-18T21:32:04Z

You are a kindred spirit always trying to make things just a little better for everyone. Your charitable personality, determined attitude, and calm, innocent aura totally charm everyone around you! Many people see you as a leader, and therefore look to you for help. But whatever it is they need, whether it's and extra pair of hands, some helpful advice, or a shoulder to cry on, your friends know that they can always count on you.

Stole this off a friend's LJ coz it's cool... and the voices told me to!

2009-08-06T23:23:11Z

Superhero Team Quiz

LiveJournal Username

Your Primary Super Power

Cape?

Identitiy

Origin

Location of Head Quarters

Primary Costume/Uniform Colors

Why are you a Superhero?

Your Superheroic Codename

The veteran grim member of the team

claudelle

The sexist and crass but annoyingly effective one

whisperkit

The bright-eyed novice or sidekick

braintoad

The teammate that will eventually go evil or insan

ladnsiruo

The inept yet determined/reoccurring supervillain

soupyfirefly

The sinister Arch-Villain and team's greatest foe

anobjectinspace

The perky civilian that keeps getting kidnapped

the_carpet_ship

How often does your team actually 'save the day'?

85%

This Fun Quiz created by Shannon at BlogQuiz.Net

Watch cool car videos including BMW Videos at Car-Videos.Biz

My Dæmon...

2009-08-06T18:52:18Z

My Dæmon...

You are a talkative, open kind of person. You wear your heart on your sleeve, and you trust people not to break it. In a way, you are as honest and trusting as a child. You aren't always comfortable with who you are but you do have a strong sense of self and you are also a little sensitive. Hurtful remarks, especially from people whose opinion you value, have the power to wound you terribly.

You tend to be open about your thoughts and opinions, and you find it difficult to hide your emotions from people. You like to share your thoughts, opinions, and emotions with people, and to hear theirs in return. When someone disagrees with you or offends you, you will take them up on it, whether they are friends or strangers. You don't mind a friendly debate, but become upset when things get hostile. You wish that people wouldn't take everything so personally, but would instead simply think calmly about things.

You have a close knit group of friends for whom you would sacrifice almost anything. You don't like big parties full of strangers - you would rather spend your time with the people whom you really care about. You need a private spot where you can retreat when the world gets to be too much, but you want to be able to emerge from your "den" and find your loved ones there to heap love and affection upon you.

Your Dæmon, the dhole, represents your loving, open nature, and he would probably spend a lot of time encouraging you to be independent and to do the right thing.

To find out what your Dæmon is, click here.
When you know your Dæmon, if you can't think of a name for it yourself, click here to generate one.

Is it just me...

2009-07-17T18:36:40Z

I'm going to put the main part of this post behind a cut for the simple reason that I know that many people have unfriendly bandwidths, and I don't wanna cause anyone's computer to hang. So if you're ok with YouTube embeds, then by all means take a gander...

Now, assuming you've got this far, I'll say that I'm really only including the video for the purposes for reference, just in case some of you don't remember this song. It's called 'I Think We're Alone Now' and was made famous in the 80's by Tiffany, who later went on to fulfil a career involving much-love nudity (seriously, search out the pics, she's gorgeaous and tastfully photgraphed).

So anyway, yeah, I was listening to some old albums I still have from the 80's and came across this song (sung here by a different artist because I wanted you all thinking, not drooling, lol). Here's the song, then my question to you all...

My question is this: Does anyone else feel that this song fits so much more comfortably with the concept of first lesbian love (I say lesbian only because it's only ever been sung by females), and hiding from those who might frown upon such relationships (say, parents for example, especially if you're a young teenager), than it does with the idea portrayed in Tiffany's very 80's music video; falling in love with a huge-muscled sailor (or something to that effect)?

Your opinions would be fascinating. I'll leave you to ponder.

Toodle pip for now folks.

X-POSTED TO openlbgt

Star Trek: DS9 stuff ~ so cool.............

2009-07-06T14:39:05Z

Your LJ Star Trek: DS9 Adventure by LaughingVulcan

Username

Your Age

Bajoran Liason/1st Officer

anobjectinspace

Ops Officer

whisperkit

Medical Officer

red_in_leather

Science Officer

sleeping_tiger

Enemy of the Season

Your Enemy is:

Vorta

Guest Star of the past:

Nana Visitor

You Take Command Stardate

55,197

You Leave Because

You ran away with your love

Trekkies who think you're the best Captain Ever

89%

I'd like to not be crazy any more, if that's ok...

2009-07-03T21:32:10Z

I feel trapped. Trapped in a body that's not just the wrong physical sex, but doesn't work properly any way and is quite literally falling apart. But even more than that, I feel trapped inside a strange mind. Can anyone, I wonder, begin to fathom the complexities, the nuances, the myriad confusing & conflicting thoughts, the trillions of storms constantly raging inside my mind? Can anyone begin to know or even try to get what it's like to know consciously that you're insane, to be fully aware of yourself, but to be trapped inside a broken mind that you cannot control? It's difficult to describe; it's like I'm sane and insane at the same time! That alone causes me stress, confusion that I am unable - despite every true effort - to cope with with, emotional instability and fluctuations that I cannot predict, that have no trigger.

I can be fully aware that my actions, words, the things I see, smell or hear are 99% of the time abnormal. They are out of the ordinary, not of the norm... Not real some of the time. I am conscious of these things, and yet I am unable to stop them, control them, and don't even think about a cure. Schizotypal Personality Disorder has no cure. I was born with it (yeah, thanks mum!!) and I will die with it. I am insane; crazy; nuts; abnormal; eccentric; easily stressed; easily pushed to self-harm and/or suicide attempts, and unpredictably swing between mania depression to the same end(s); easily confused; I have delusional thoughts where I will believe that something society might consider "fantastical" or simply fantasy, is in fact real; I don't understand simply things to the point to sometimes violent (but never to a living person or animal etc.) physical displays of frustration; my emotions fluctuate rapidly and erratically; my thoughts are paranoid, violent, abnormally sexual, confusing, sometimes not my own; I am...

...

A hiddeous thing!

I think the video behind the following cut also fairly accurately describes part of who and what I am. I say part, because it would take more than this brief journal entry to put everything in my head down coherently enough for anyone to "get it"; it would take the memory capacity of a supercomputer and a vastly more articulate than me telepath to help me find the words.

Thank you for letting me ramble, letting my mind spill out just a little onto these pages.

X-POSTED TO cuttersselfharm, schizofriends & schizosurvival

Prayer Request...

2009-07-01T18:47:13Z

I'm calling out to anyone who might come across my journal, or the communities that I'm posting this request to.

A friend of mine, Justine, who is on loan to us from Uganda and has been doing amazing work for and within the church, has recently received news that following an accident her brother and sister are in hospital (back in her home country).

Justine is a wonderful wonderful person with an amazing heart. She loves and worships God & Jesus so openly and beautifully and completely, and has devoted her life to serving our Lord. She isn't returning to Uganda until the middle of August, but is obviously now torn between doing God's work for the church, and rushing back to her family.

I am including her and her family in my own prayers, and I humbly ask any and all Christians out there to join me in asking the Lord for his blessing at this time, and that He might help Justine through this difficult emotional time and that if it be His will, that he help her siblings to get well so that Justine can return to her family whole and happy in August.

We are all God's children, and therefore all part of His family. Let's show our sister Justine, and her siblings, that she is not alone.

My thanks and love to you all, and thanks to anyone who offers support and prayers.

X-POSTED TO christianhelp, christianity, & ljchristians

The Beginning of God's Work...

2009-04-22T11:55:15Z

At last I actually have some good news:

First and foremost, I'm seeing a legal advisor as well as my housing/homelessness advisor today at 2:00pm and we hope to be able to move things forward very rapidly from here on. Fingers crossed, say a prayer for me, and watch this space.

Regarding all that trouble I was having with bailiffs, and several different people all telling me that I owed differing amounts of money for the same thing, and how the local council's left hand did not seem to know what it's right hand was doing etc: I've been able to push through the stress and panic of that entire situation, I have not self-harmed, and I have actually got all relevent documents together and with a covering letter written to the council demanding an explanation of their disgusting behaviour to date and an apology. Wow - long sentence.

Hopefully I'll get some response. Even if it's a total arse-head replying to me saying that I still have to pay etc. at least that'll show that someone has at last paid attention.

A Pastor for the local Catholic church has been working with me lately, and has offered to help with last-minute packing and storing of my stuff until I have permanent housing again. But more than that, he's been helping me explore what I have come to believe is in fact a job that God has given me to do. A message He wants me to pass on to the rest of the world, via a new ministry. So, with Pastor Dan's help...

And this is my biggest and best news ever, so far...

I am now a Christian Minister. Not Catholic though, just to clarify. For the work I have to do, I'm remaining non-denomination-specific. But yes, I am now considered a Minister.

I don't know what else to say on the matter right now, and I'm running out of time to catch the bus to the meeting I mentioned, but the more I explore my new "job", the more guidance I get from God, the more people I meet and speak to in the various local congregations, the happier I feel. I haven't wanted to self harm at all for weeks now. Even Lauren has said that even over the phone she can tell how happy I am, and how much I'm buzzing with a new-found energy and enthusiasm.

Right I really do have to run, but I'll be back soon with more details. Feel free to comment with any questions you might have.

Bye for now.

Is Ronald Weinland a False Prophet?

2009-04-16T15:41:45Z

Well I did just write a marathon entry, but now it seems to have vanished because of a fucking network error... So now I am PISSED OFF BEYOND BELIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Writer's Block: Pleasure Your Mate Month

2008-09-05T01:55:38Z

September is Pleasure Your Mate Month. Tell us: how do you like to pleasure your mate?

View 500 Answers

If she was my Mate, oh boy could I go into some detail here... Alas, she has yet to break up with her current Mate and say yes to me...

But I'm hopeful.

Writer's Block: Saving Money

2008-08-30T16:14:40Z

What are some ways to save money on gas?

View 500 Answers

Set fire to the furniture instead!!

I just want to set the record straight...

2008-08-29T01:19:43Z

I am nothing like Phillipa...

I am, however, I have come to realise tonight, like my father.

And of that, I am truly, deeply, ashamed.

What Is Harry Benjamin's Syndrome?

2008-08-19T00:04:32Z

What is Harry Benjamin's Syndrome?

Harry Benjamin's Syndrome (HBS) is a congenital intersexual condition that has a pre-natal developmental origin, and it involves the differentiation of the male and female gender identities in the brain. The estimated incidence of HBS is 1 in 100,000 live births.

To put it simply, a girl with HBS would have a female neurological gender identity, whilst the genitalia would be male. Conversely, boys with this condition have female genitalia coupled with a male neurological gender identity.

At present, it is not possible to diagnose this condition at the time of birth. Therefore, the children are raised in the gender role opposite to that of the neurological gender identity. This often leads to psychological problems unrelated with the HBS itself.

Gender identity is a purely neurological function, with no psychological factors appended.

Therefore, neurological factors determine gender identity, not the anatomical structures of the genitalia. The physical structure of the brain, such as the CNS, fix gender identity. Since there is no apparent evidence at the time of birth, it is difficult for doctors to diagnose the condition, quite unlike other intersexual conditions.

Harry Benjamin's Syndrome is not an illness or a disorder, and we should not consider it such, but rather as a physiological (physical) variation of human sexual formation, as in the case of other Intersex Syndromes. When I speak about "suffering" with HBS, I refer to the suffering caused by the physical incongruence/contradiction that people born with this condition experience, and not to a pathological explanation for HBS.

Most diagnoses of HBS occur when the individual is between 20 to 45 years of age, but many are diagnosed in their teens, and some cases are detected in early childhood (four to five-years old). No matter at what the age the diagnostic decision is given, the affected individuals go on to HRT and SRS, and live a perfectly normal life afterwards. Nevertheless, the earlier that one undertakes corrective HRT and SRS, the better it is for the person involved.

The level of stress induced by societal pressures concerning gender norms and behaviour, differs widely from one individual to another. The expectations of most societies regarding gender-specific actions do not suit all individuals.

The degree of anxiety and often terror concerning appearance and anatomy also varies widely from one person to another. Some do not care much about their genitalia, or about how others perceive the gender of their public persona. However, the overwhelming majority of people place much importance in the expression and congruency of theirs and others' social and physical gender. Most take their gender for granted, and it is so deeply rooted in our instinctual behaviour and expectations that we do not think of it consciously.

Conversely, those who have HBS experience a steadily growing dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and dejection with the discontinuity between their neurological gender and their genital anatomy. The conflict that exists between a person's neurological gender and the expected gender-appropriate behaviour of society can be devastating.

There are only two alternatives. One can seek medical help, and obtain HRT and SRS to correct the anatomical incongruency and thereby eliminate the gender discontinuity. By adjusting physical anatomy to reflect neurological gender, the person involved receives release from the tension and turmoil of HBS.

Alternatively, the pressures of the anomalous gender/anatomy signals can drive a person to suicide if they do not seek a medical correction of the condition. When one finds that one's personal gender incongruency combines with an unrelenting societal insistence upon a properly gendered expression of behaviour, the inharmonics of the situation lead many to take their own lives.

The hostile attitude of many in society often exacerbates the pain and suffering of those with HBS. There is often disbelief and hostility directed towards those who reveal their HBS, and there are those who believe that any medical correction of anatomy is contrary to all reason and good-sense.

In addition, many elements in society treat anyone with a gender-ambiguous appearance badly. They target the gender-incongruous and subject them to verbal threats and harassment, physical intimidation and violence, and use discrimination and ostracism to isolate such individuals socially.

This situation is harsh enough to deal with, but a loss of support from family networks and friends often compound it. What finally brings many to the brink of despair is the loss of employment that often accompanies societal rejection of the individual. This is why untreated HBS causes suicide. It is not the HBS, but the pressures surrounding it that can drive people over the edge.

At present, the exact physiological cause of HBS is unknown, and it may be that there is more than one discrete antecedent for the condition. If one were to ask reputable researchers today, the probable answer would be that pre-natal events in foetal development would tell us the story.

No matter what is the ultimate causal factor, HBS is a physiological condition that has the potential to create a traumatic situation in an individual's life. If one does not treat it with the appropriate medical regimen, it can lead to the death of the person involved. That is why society must learn to treat those with HBS with compassion and understanding.

HBS is simply a medical condition - it is not a mental or psychological derangement!

Am I Jedi or Sith....

2008-08-07T14:02:57Z

You Are...
Darth Vader - Sith apprentice

You have chosen to learn the ways of the sith and have been led to the darkside of the force. Extremely combative, you seek the end of all jedi. Highly skilled with a lightsaber, you follow your masters order no matter how much death is neccessary. You have no allies except. Your lightsaber is red.

And the hits just keep on comin'!!

2008-06-01T01:02:43Z

As if things weren't bad enough...

I now have to walk (or rather, limp) with the aid of a walking stick because my arthritis is so bad - more often than not centered in my right knee - and it's only going to get worse as I get older.
I have been royally set up, resulting in me losing my job, and therefore income.
I have been charged with criminal offences, and am facing trial on August 4th.
I am three months in rent arrears, because the local council have taken so fucking long to sort out my housing benefit (meaning that I am also facing the ever-stressful threat of eviction without further notice).
Every drama and chaotic event that occurs round here always somehow seems to end up on my doorstep.
There's all the previously discussed shit with Phillipa Worthington (or Flipper the Worthless, as some of the locals have apparently started to dub her).
There's all the shit that kicked off earlier tonight which I am quite frankly too fucking tired to go into.
And to top it all off, for the second night in a row I have had to phone the police because a gang of local youths were not only shouting abuse up to my window, but were also throwing stones at it. And opn both occasions they've scarpered before the police have arrived, resulting in me getting a phone call from said police with a lecture about wasting police time!! There's a fucking chip in my window, for fuck's sake!! What the fuck will it take?! I mean, knowing those fucking twats employed to uphold the ridiculous laws in this country, even if a brick comes through the window, they'll probably try to insinuate that I did it myself!

It's now 2:00am, and people have only just stopped knocking on the door every 20 seconds for the most stupid reasons. Normally I would have started ignoring the knocking hours ago, but Kev is staying with me tonight and most of the knocking was people wanting to ask him stuff (like has he got any cigarettes etc.). Bless him, Kev has been apologising all night, while I've been getting more and more burnt out and exhausted having to deal with everyone's shit (as per fucking usual) at the same time, and deal with the nerve-wracking possibility that a brick might come flying through y living room window at any minute!

It is any wonder that I don't trust the 5-0, or that I... Never mind what I do - don't want to upset anyone.

I'm going to bed! Hopefully I'll be able to sleep, though I have a nasty feeling that for the seventh week in a row, I'll have nothing but nightmares every damn night!

Night all.

Bad Questions to Ask a Transsexual...

2008-05-04T18:09:41Z

I am what's called a 'Suicide Risk'...

2008-04-22T02:42:24Z

The pain inside cannot be seen
Unseen, therefore un-real
Red hot burning strokes
Pain, anguish, all unreal
Red-hot tears flowing down my arms.
The pain un-real, suddenly becomes real
Surroundings become clear
Fear flows freely
Breath in, breath out
Pull yourself together girl
Roll down your sleeves and get on with life.
The inside can now be seen

It matters to me why I can't sleep at night
Why I hide in the dark afraid to turn out the light
Why angels don't wear their sparkling wings
And demons come accessorised in four shades of pink

'Cause here in the dark when I turn out the light
The thoughts in my head start picking a fight
Running through mazes getting nowhere fast
But nowhere's not somewhere that these thoughts will last

It matters to me why my mind won't stay sane
That it's my tablets that keep me from falling away
As inside my soul there's a secret I keep
Only in writing I find my release

It really doesn't matter what the words are I choose
It's just that it keeps me from this self abuse
In unending nights you can think yourself crazy
And I'm here in the dark hoping typing will save me

Another angel in death's eye
I look at the slits
And hope that I die
Nothing in this world could help me with this
I was never a perfect girl
So I'll never be missed